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Post by Ath on Apr 5, 2004 13:33:21 GMT
More than scripts, I remember some funny qotes;
Flanders; Homer, have you picked all my flowers? Homer: Can't make a float without flowers... Flanders; Yeah, but did you have to salt the earth so that nothing would grow anymore? Homer; hehe..*sighs*.. yeah.
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Post by CBee on Apr 5, 2004 15:55:16 GMT
RIMMER enters from the cockpit whilst LISTER and KRYTEN come down from the Ops Room above via the stairs. RIMMER: You took your time. Where've you been? LISTER: I was in the AR machine. RIMMER: Again?? LISTER: What'd you mean again? RIMMER: Everyone knows you only use the AR machine to have sex. LISTER: That is not true. RIMMER: Yes, true. It's pathetic watching you grind away day after day. It's like a dog that's missing it's masters leg. That groinal attachment's supposed to have a lifetimes gurantee, you've worn it out in nearly three weeks. ;D Brightened my day up, that did
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Post by FFS Admin on Apr 5, 2004 16:21:26 GMT
Couple of great 'Office' moments
Tim: "Team Leader don't mean anything mate"
Gareth: "Excuse me, it means I'm leader of a team"
Tim: "No it doesn't. It's a title someone's given you to get you to do something they don't want to do for free - it's like making the div kid at school milk monitor. No one respects it"
Gareth: "Er I think they do"
Tim: "No they don't Gareth"
Gareth: "Er yes they do, 'cos if people were rude to me then I used to give them their milk last... so it was warm."
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Gareth: "I can read women. You've got to know their wants and their needs. And that can be anything from making sure she's got enough money to buy groceries each week to making sure she's gratified sexually after intercourse."
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Simon: "You know Bruce Lee's not really dead don't you? Yeah it's in a book - what he did was he faked his own death so that he could work undercover for the Hong Kong police infiltrating drugs gangs and The Triads"
Gareth: "Yeah I reckon that's true"
Tim: "Yeah I reckon that's true ''cos if you were gonna send someone undercover to investigate The Triads you'd probably want the world's most famous Chinese film star"
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Post by CBee on Apr 5, 2004 16:26:44 GMT
TIM: Yeah, Dawn, I think there's been something we've overlooked here. I was just checking my diary and I've found a twenty minute window saying 'wind up Gareth with Dawn'. Shall we go? (Walks off camera) Hey, Gareth, did you see that film on telly last night- "Gay Lord Say No"? GARETH: No! (Dawn laughs)
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Post by Not Karl on Apr 5, 2004 16:56:00 GMT
life in a stereo world...that cheered me up,theyre so cruel to him lol
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Post by Eevee on Apr 5, 2004 17:01:48 GMT
Hey, Gareth, did you see that film on telly last night- "Gay Lord Say No"? It's "gay lords say no". Get it right! Here's one: Lister: Not back yet? They've been hours. Cat: No sign. What are you watching? Lister: Ah, just a vid. This is a classic man! Cat: What is it? Lister: "Tales of the Riverbank: The Next Generation" Cat: Oh, right! I've seen this. It's not as good as the original Lister: Well they never really found anyone to replace Hammy Hamster did they? Cat: How could they. The dude was a diva, he smouldered. The camera loved him! Lister: Yeah. He was the rodent equivalent of Marlon Brando Cat: Whatever happened to old Hammy? One minute he's a huge star running around on his own personalised gold wheel, with as much Edam as he could hold in his little cheeks, the next, obscurity. Lister: Probably went on the slide. The series ended, couldn't find any more work, and then the ultimate humiliation... hamstergrams. Lol Red Dwarf rocks , been watching it for about 12 years now lol. you might like that one Charlie
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Post by feedme on Apr 6, 2004 1:16:58 GMT
OMG i love Monty Python! "Dead Parrot Sketch!" (by the way im writing this from memory so i'll prob get some bits wrong!) Cleese: Excuse me, miss Palin: What do you mean miss? Cleese: i'm sorry, i have a cold! i wish to register a complaint Palin: im sorry were closed for lunch... Cleese: never mind that my lad, i wish to complain about this parrot which i purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique Palin: oh yes the norwegien blue, what's wrong with it? Cleese: i'll tell you what's wrong with it my lad, it's dead that's whats wrong with it... Palin: no no it's resting, norwegien blue beautiful plumage Cleese: the plumage dont enter into it! it's stone dead Palin: no no hes resting Cleese: ok if hes resting i'll wake him up *to parrot* ello polly wakey wakey this is your nine o'clock alarm call * hits cage* ELLO POLLY *hits parrot on counter* now that's what i call a dead parrot! ...can't be arsed to write anymore...maybe i'll finish it later...
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Post by Jock on May 8, 2004 23:53:15 GMT
Lister: There's got to be a way out. There hasn't been a prison built that could hold Derek Custer. Why don't we scrape away this mortar here, slide one of these bricks out, then using a rope weaved from strands of this hessian, rip up a kind of a pulley system so that when a guard comes in, using it as a trip wire, gets laid out, and we put Rimmer in the guard's uniform, he leads us out, we steal some swords, and fight our way back to the 'bug. Kryten : Or we could use the teleporter
;D
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Post by feedme on May 8, 2004 23:55:03 GMT
Lister: The red, green and blue alert signs are all flashing. What the smeg does that mean? Kryten: Well either we're under attack sir, or we're having a disco. ;D
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Post by feedme on May 9, 2004 0:04:46 GMT
REG: Right. You're in. Listen. The only people we hate more than the Romans are the fucking Judean People's Front. P.F.J.: Yeah... JUDITH: Splitters. P.F.J.: Splitters... FRANCIS: And the Judean Popular People's Front. P.F.J.: Yeah. Oh, yeah. Splitters. Splitters... LORETTA: And the People's Front of Judea. P.F.J.: Yeah. Splitters. Splitters... REG: What? LORETTA: The People's Front of Judea. Splitters. REG: We're the People's Front of Judea! LORETTA: Oh. I thought we were the Popular Front. REG: People's Front! C-huh. FRANCIS: Whatever happened to the Popular Front, Reg? REG: He's over there. P.F.J.: Splitter! ;D ;D
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Post by miranda on May 9, 2004 13:45:34 GMT
RIMMER: This is acting senior officer Arnold J Rimmer of the Jupiter Mining Corporation transport vehicle Star Bug. Now hear this, ''cos it's only coming once: We surrender, totally and without condition. Thank you for listening. Oh, additional: sorry to take up your valuable time. Sorry. Thank you. Sorry. Bye. Bye. Sorry. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. LISTER: Rimmer, you've got a longer yellow streak than a stampede of diuretic camels. RIMMER: Know this about me: like General George S. Patton, I believe in reincarnation. It is my firm conviction that in all my previous lives I've been a soldier, a bold warrior soul, (he stands up) who tragically in this incarnation has been given the body of an abject coward. So excuse me, gentlemen, while I have a humiliating panic attack under the scanner table.
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Post by miranda on May 9, 2004 13:48:03 GMT
RIMMER: How absolutely divine, Legion. (pronounced with a French accent.) Although I must say, our souls are already gorged fit to burst with the feast of art laid out on your walls. LEGION: I wasn't aware you had an interest in art, Mr Rimmer? RIMMER: Many's a night we while away the wee hours contemplating a Caravaggio, discussing its shape, themes and form. CAT: The pointy-stick game doesn't get a look-in anymore. RIMMER: Hmm. Marvelous. Now this three-dimensional sculpture in particular is quite exquisite. Its simplicity, it's bold, stark lines... pray, what do you call it? LEGION: The light switch. RIMMER: The light switch. LEGION: Yes. RIMMER: I couldn't buy it, then? LEGION: Not really. I need it to turn the lights on and off.
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Post by Jock on May 9, 2004 13:51:31 GMT
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Post by miranda on May 9, 2004 13:56:33 GMT
From Life of Brian.....
BRIAN: Have I got a big nose, Mum? MANDY: Oh, stop thinking about sex. BRIAN: I wasn't. MANDY: You're always on about it... morning, noon, and night. 'Will the girls like this?' 'Will the girls like that?' 'Is it too big?' 'Is it too small?'
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Post by CBee on May 9, 2004 17:05:50 GMT
RIMMER: Kryten, take us up to red alert KRYTEN: Are you sure sir, it will mean changing the bulb ;D
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Post by Eevee on May 9, 2004 17:43:51 GMT
;D ;D Excellent! BONGO: You're back. ACE: 'Fraid so. BONGO: Had the feeling you might be. Rubber shares went up this morning. ACE: You wanted to see me, Bongo? BONGO: Ever hear of a thing called the dimension theory of reality? ACE: Doesn't that run along the lines of, there is an infinite number of parallel universes where every possibility exists? BONGO: It's along those lines, yeah. The basic tenet states that for every decision that's made, the alternative decision is played out in another reality. ACE: So? BONGO: So, the lab boys have come up with a drive that can break the speed of reality. ACE: Those boffins have hammered together a crate that can cross dimensions? When do I launch? BONGO: It's a one-way ticket, Ace. There's no coming back. ACE: I'm free at 1500. BONGO: You do realize, this is a prototype -- there's no way of knowing if it'll even get there. ACE: Where's there, exactly? BONGO: You'll be transported to an alternative reality, a reality where there's another Arnold Rimmer. Some decision was made at some point in your life where he went one way, and you went the other. You might find he's quite different to you. ACE: Sounds like quite a caper. BONGO: You'll do it? ACE: I'm a test pilot in the Space Corps, Bongo. It's my job to do it. BONGO: I know that this prob'ly won't interest you, but I'd hate myself for the rest of my life if I didn't at least suggest it. ACE: Suggest what? BONGO: If you're interested, I'll be in my quarters at lunchtime, covered in torama* salada. ACE: I didn't know your bread was buttered that side, Bongo. BONGO: It isn't. I've been happily married for 35 years. It's just, a chap like you can turn a guy's head. ACE: I'm sorry, Bongo. Lunch is...on Mellie. BONGO: Would it make any difference if it was...hummus? ACE: I'm sorry, Bongo. I'm strictly "butter-side-up." BONGO: Understood. (ACE leaves the office.) What a guy!
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